By: Blonde Two
You probably remember, dear Blondees and Blondettes, that during wintery Dartmoor adventures, I suffer from a rather unpleasant and chilly problem. Pleased try not to blush at this point because the part of my anatomy that we are talking about here is my breasts.
Aside: Have tried hard here to find a more pleasing word for breasts. I am not in the mood for boobs and all of the others seem derogatory. Help is required!
To sum up the problem; I get very cold and (let’s not beat around the Bertha’s here) uncomfortable in the frontage department when out walking in cold weather.
Various solutions have been suggested to me, some of which are unrepeatable here but I am pleased to announce that I am pretty sure the problem has at last been solved by my mum. Let me explain.
On my birthday I received a package containing a cheque, some catalogue pages and instructions on how to buy an appropriate bra. Now I don’t know about most of you ladies but it has been a very long time since my mum bought me a bra. I am not going to tell you how many years but I can remember it well. It was my first one, it was pale yellow and it was approximately the size of the straps of the ones I wear nowadays.
Like a good daughter, I followed mother’s instructions and, lo and behold, one day the postman turned up with my new “made with silver thread” bra. Once I had told the postman in no uncertain terms to take it off again; I tried it on and found it very comfortable. When I went out walking in it, I didn’t particularly notice anything; which is interesting because it means that the naughty breasts were at last behaving themselves. This suspicion was confirmed when I removed the bra and fairly quickly felt the old chilliness creeping back in again. Blonde One can confirm this, she was there!
So thanks mum and let this be a lesson to all daughters who don’t usually listen to their mothers. Sometimes, they might just be right.
Aside: During the writing of this blog post, I looked up some slang words for breasts in the hope of finding ones that I liked. I did – “B1 and B2” was a very interesting option!
Mammalian splendour. Jutting prow (actually a tautology; all prows jut). I name this ship…. Corporeal seduction.
But the French got there first. It’s impossible to improve on Quel balcon!
99 words for boobs (blatantly stolen from the Urban Dictionary)
Jugs and orbs and darts and gourds
Elmer Fudds and bouncing Buddhas
Sweater stretchers, lung protectors
Beach umbrellas, frost detectors
Scooby Snacks and snake-eyes dice
Jell-o molds and high-beam lights
Every day I probably use
99 words for boobs
Humpty Dumplings, Hardy Boys
Double lattes, Ode to Joys
Hooters, shooters, physics tutors
Bobbsey Twins and bald commuters
Double-WMD’s
MRE’s and PFD’s
Snow-white dwarfs, Picasso cubes
99 words for boobs
Gerber servers, holy grails
Whoopee cushions, humpback whales
Flying saucers, traffic stoppers
Super Big Gulps, Double Whoppers
Pillows, billows, Don DeLillos
Soft-serve cones and armadillos
Pimped-out hubcaps, inner tubes
99 words for boobs
Midget earmuffs, warming globes
Strobes and probes and frontal lobes
Knockers, honkers, knicker bonkers
Smurfs and Screaming Yellow Zonkers
Tannin’ cannons, Mister Bigs
Big bad wolves and Porky Pigs
Jogging partners, saline noobs
99 words for boobs
Two-point jumpers, Bambi’s Thumpers
Rubber baby buggy bumpers
Rutabagas, Chi Omegas
Schwag the showgirls show in Vegas
Congo bongos, bowling pins
Fast-pitch softballs, siamese twins
A book I clearly need!
Well that is a list and a half. I think I had heard of approximately one quarter of those. “Frost Detectors” seems appropriate!
Mine have recently been compared to Panacotta, so thatstheir new nickname – I was well chuffed!
Well done Blonde Two, glad to know we Mothers have our uses! I’m glad no one has mentioned the t (small bird) word – a slight upon both the bird and the anatomy in question!
Cheese pie is another use that some mothers have. Not so good for cold boobs but delicious in the tummy. x