By: Blonde Two

I feel like the queen doing this – you may call me your Royal Blondness.

Here is a pre-recorded message on behalf of Blonde Two who is currently otherwise engaged on Dartmoor.  Let’s paint a picture for a minute – Blonde Two is still tucked up in her cosy new Big Orange (sleeping bag), door of the tent tied open, cup of tea in hand, lying listening to the twitter of bird song as the sunshine warms her face.

This scene has never yet happened but we can live in hope.  The reality is probably more like this … Blonde Two is woken up by the inevitable sound of rain thundering on the tent and a painfully full bladder.   She gets up and manoeuvres herself out of the tent backwards – this is the only way her knees will work first thing in the morning.  She has to walk a considerable distance in the rain to find a spot to relieve herself.  This proves very difficult as round every corner, bush and rock there is a teenage boy doing exactly the same thing.

Blonde Two will have a fuzzy mouth due to not daring to partake of liquids all evening and will drink all of her water only to realise that she needs some for a cup of tea and to rehydrate her porridge.  She will stagger down to the stream/leat to fetch some and get back to the smell of bacon and eggs.  The bacon and eggs will belong to the kids and they will not share so Blonde Two will have to make do with porridge and a cold scotch egg (only at camp would this be ok).

Blonde Two will be the last to pack up and will inevitably struggle to get her soggy tent back into its miniscule bag.  The kids will be standing around waiting for her and she will be the last back on the minibus which, despite smelling of cold pizza and wet socks, will feel like home for the weekend.

You should try it sometime, Blonde Fans – it really is life affirming – honestly!  Hopefully I will be back in person tomorrow … have a lovely day.