By: Dartmoor Blondes
HOOTERS, BRADS, FUNBAGS, BAZOOKERS, BAPS, CHESTICLES, KNOCKERS, MELONS, yep, this list really is endless!
We all have them, we have all used them to our advantage, but out on the hills, some boobs are better behaved than others. If you have had problems with your zeppelins, the thoughts below might help you;
Weight: Quite obviously, some boobs weigh more than others and whether or not you take them into account, when considering the overall weight you are carrying, is up to you. Believe it or not, there are formulas to help you work out how much your fun jellies weigh. By the magic of this one http://bit.ly/1yHPqxy we worked out that they could weigh around 2lbs each. That is the equivalent of 20 Mars Bars (Blonde maths) so Miss 2lbs would either have to leave her boobs or all of her Mars Bars at home.
Fastening Down: Because boobs can weigh so much, it is important not to have them joggling around all over the place. They can cause accidents when scrambling and get in the way when you are using a mallet.
The only really practical boob-fasten-downer is a good sports bra (blokes like to hold them but this isn’t always convenient). These are readily available in all kinds of exciting materials and arrangements (bras not blokes); merino to keep you woolly, silver threaded to keep you warm, wired to keep you in place, unwired to keep you comfy. It is possible to find a sports bra that will keep your snugglies warm, comfortable and unmoving. However, and this girls, is a big proviso; there does not exist a sports bra that does all of the above and looks remotely attractive. The best advice we have on this matter is this; make sure that you carry a more alluring piece of chest-underwear in your rucksack. With a modicum of practice, this can easily be slipped on behind a rock or tallish gorse bush should it be required.
Naughty Nipples: Sometimes, when you have been walking for a long time, or have got a bit soggy, the old nips can get a bit sore. Fear not ladies, help is at hand. Runners experience the same problem (even the blokes) and many of them recommend “Bodyglide” products. We kid you not! Look, here is a girlie one – http://amzn.to/10yOPmJ we have never tried this but … imagine the fun you would have whipping this out of your rucksack and applying it mid moor!
Sweaty Boobpits: If your maracas are of a certain size, you will find that, on a hot day, they tend to get a bit sweaty in the under-place area. This is easily dealt with, all you have to do is think “boobpit”. A “boobpit” is just like an armpit except that it is (hopefully) not under your arm. This means that you can use antiperspirant in exactly the same way as you would in the armpit zone (you are however unlikely to need to shave your “boobpit”).