By: Blonde Two
I am not sure that I have taken a request for a blog post before, but, by popular demand, today I shall attempt to ensure that all Blondees and Blondettes know the difference between these two vital devices. If you have heard this before, then snap, because I am sure that I have written it before. My archiving system however, says “no!”
1. Crampons can be strapped to the bottom of your boots and stay there all day. Tampons (and I have experimented with this) only last on average 20 minutes.
2. If you soak a tampon in hand gel, it makes a handy fire lighter (a fireman taught me that). If you soak a crampon in hand gel, you will have very hygienic boots.
3. A tampon (or slice of) is a useful dressing for a mouth injury. Stuffing even a little bit of a crampon in your mouth is likely to make the injury worse.
4. Tampons make thrifty Christmas decorations (see image below). Crampons are expensive and look weird on the Christmas tree.
5. Tampons can make a handy fat-free substitute for TV snacks (see image below). Crampons need soaking in vinegar before they even approach being edible.
6. Crampons are designed to fit the person who bought them. Tampons are more flexible and can be shared.
7. It is possible to carry enough tampons for a whole group of girls whilst out on the hills. It would be tricky to carry enough crampons.
8. Crampons are very serious, macho, boy devices. Tampons are for girls and, by default, are much, much more fun.
9. Crampons have spikes for gripping onto things. If your tampons have these then you should change your chemist.
10. Crampons have been used to climb the North Face of the Eiger … maybe tampons have too!
No1: at first reading I thought you were advocating strapping crampons to one’s posterior – a good idea because if you slip in the hills Gortex jackets and pants provide the ultimate sliding material on snow.
I’ve seen it happen on Helvellyn – two helicopter rescues in one day. If you were also carrying tampons (strapped I know not where) when you fell you could light a fire to advertise your location to the helicopter.
A Blonde always knows where her tampons are strapped. In fact, a Blonde always knows where the other Blonde’s tampons are strapped. We shall have to wait and see about crampons!
Some Qs/observations
No.1 – “tampons only last 20 minutes” – under boots, or in the role for which they are designed?
No.6- tampon sharing. I am sure that this is not recommended in any H&S regs. Please advise, as sharing would, if suitable, avoid paying as much tax (as they are classed as a luxury item).
No 8. I must be doing something wrong. 20+ years of tampons, and no directly related fun. Help.
No 10. As she was 5 months pregnant when she climbed it, Alison Hargreaves probably wasn’t using tampons. But heck That Girl Could!
Great post – is it going in the girly/boobs area?
I am intending to claim back any VAT should I buy crampon-like devices. Do you think I should do the same with tampon-like devices?
Good idea, yes, it can go into the “Girls Only” area!
PS Try using them as earrings. That can be a lot of fun and a great evening competition!
This post may qualify for a Lebon prize – the one where £700,000 is taken out of your bank account. And you don’t have to be 70 before flying to Stockholm.
Two omissions: hair soaked under North Face conditions may be combed back to lustrousness with a crampon, while tampons in your ear’oles are proof against Metallica up to 140 dB.
Fun? Life on Dartmoor must be more austere than I thought.
This is brilliant! just climbed my first mountain, with trainers… So after I’m looking for crampons thinking is there something wrong with me, I just feel like they may as well have called them tampons. Googled “crampons sound like tampons” – top hit. Thanks blondes. I am not alone.
Hi Mae. Sounds like some crampons would be a good idea (or some hiking boots). Have fun, and don’t get them muddled up!