By: Blonde Two
The Two Blondes freely admit that they inhabit a rather weird world. Today we are planning to break all of the rules (again) by meeting up with someone, we shall call him ‘The Hat’ that we met via this very Blonde blog. I must have taught a million youngsters about internet safety rules and here I am ignoring all of them. The rules (and our breaking of them) go like this:
Don’t talk to people you don’t know on the internet. Oops, we don’t know most of you and definitely don’t know even a fraction of our 1857 Twitter followers.
Don’t give out your email address. Oops, it wouldn’t take even the most digitally inept of you very long to track ours down.
Don’t tell anyone your real name. Ooops. Although Blonde One and Blonde Two are unusual names and it is a great coincidence that our parents chose these names for two people who wouldn’t become friends until well into adulthood, we felt it only fair to be open with you about them.
Don’t arrange to meet anyone you have met on the internet. Double Blonde Ooops! That is exactly what we are going to be doing today. ‘The Hat’ has been in touch and expressed an interest in visiting the wonderful Fox Tor Cafe and meeting the Two Blondes. How could we refuse?
We have done our research though! ‘The Hat’ is a walkist and most walkists are quite lovely. Not only is he a walkist but he walks very long distances and is a long way from home. I have spoken to his brother who assures us that he is perfectly harmless. I have emailed his daughter who sounds a bit like a Blonde (no idea about her actual hair colour) and she seems very nice.
All the same, you might want to watch out for us today up at Fox Tor Cafe, just to check that all is ok. We will be the Blondes in the corner chatting to someone who looks like he might be called ‘The Hat’!
It’s important to keep your anonymity and your invisibility. I did this for the first two years of blogging and I became wildly popular. People fantasised not just about my looks but my moral tone. For reasons I can’t now remember I started to reveal myself and my fans died off in droves. I am now reduced to a faithful few all of whom are hard of seeing.
I repeat my warning. I have this secret belief that you are radiant beyond compare, causing the sun to shine and a plenitude of fishes to occur wherever you stroll. In fact I am sure of it. But a fantasy can last for ever, it changeth according to the reader’s preferences and thus is eternally adaptable. Gorgeousness, however gorgeous, is fixed and must eventually succumb to familiarity. Unless, of course, you have the ability to magically adjust your looks according to the weather. Which, given your other talents (notably as a sorceress with words) I am not ruling out.
Thus your corporeal encounters should be limited and totally formal. There is a great deal to be said about Biblical precedent – establishing a rendezvous at a declivity and coming upon it from a high place. So that the supplicant always looks upwards. Always wear a garment with a hem so that your crouching visitor can touch it and thus be healed of minor ailments (typically a hangover). Cause your visitor to speak first and reply sparsely. Preserve the mystery and and leave long before the wretch’s needs are met. Smile pityingly and as a final act hand over a keepsake of little value – a used paper handkerchief is ideal. Remind yourself your are Blondehilde and that your preferred form of communication is a leitmotif in X-sharp.
What am I saying? You sucked your first egg long ago.
So giving the visitor a hug and driving off with him in my sports car was maybe not quite right?
sounds perfectly proper and correct to me