By: Blonde Two
It has come to our Blonde attention that there is some confusion in the outdoor world as to the difference between crampons and tampons. We shall attempt, on this page, to ensure that you all know the difference between these two vital devices before venturing onto the hills.
1. Crampons can be strapped to the bottom of your boots and stay there all day. Tampons (and I have experimented with this) only last on average 20 minutes if strapped to the bottom of a pair of boots.
2. You can use a tampon to light a fire (a fireman taught me that). If you soak a crampon in hand gel, you will merely experience very hygienic boots.
3. A tampon (or slice of) is a useful dressing for a mouth injury. Stuffing even a little bit of a crampon in your mouth is likely to make the injury worse.
5. Tampons can make a handy fat-free substitute for TV snacks (see image below). Crampons need soaking in vinegar before they even approach being edible.
6. Crampons are designed to fit the person who bought them. Tampons are more flexible and can be shared (NB Do not share unwrapped tampons).
7. It is possible to carry enough tampons for a whole group of girls out onto the hills. It would be tricky to carry enough crampons.
8. Crampons are very serious, macho, boy devices. Tampons are for girls and, by default, are much, much more fun.
9. Crampons have spikes for gripping onto things. If your tampons have these then you should change your chemist.
10. Crampons have been used to climb the North Face of the Eiger … maybe tampons have too!
Please note: campfires are wonderful, but you should only light them in your own garden or at campsites that have given permission. If you light fires whilst wild camping, you risk long-term damage to our beautiful environments.