By: Blonde Two

Social media… Love it or hate it, most of us indulge in it. At the moment I seem to be chatting online to lots of people who love outdoor swimming (mainly because they all seem to be extremely nice). This chilly but invigorating activity offers plenty of opportunity for Instagram type photo moments but I have noticed that my experiences are far less glamorous than the ones most other people appear to be having. The beautiful wild swimming ladies, contemplating calmly in still mountain waters seem a long way from my swearing scrambles across slippery rocks and my frustrated battles to stop too much of my middle aged body floating into shot. There is clearly an art to outdoor swimming photography and, as far as I can tell, I don’t have it. There is plenty of ‘How to take an Instagram photo’ advice out there but here is my take on, ‘How to take an outdoor swimming Instagram photo.’

  1. Arrive to your swimming location at dawn wearing six layers, a bright orange hat and worn gloves that don’t match.
  2. Swap to a swimming hat, preferably a yellow one that gives you the look of a giant pimple.
  3. Attempt a pre-swim selfie knowing that you are going to reject it because, rather than maximising the stunning sunrise behind you, it focuses on the shadows round your eyes.
  4. Remove your outer layers, going for trousers first so that you can watch your legs turn purple.
  5. Position your goggles so that you look like a Minion.
  6. Attempt a half in/half out of the water selfie without dropping your phone.
  7. Clamber back out of the water, check the image and realise that your boobs are sitting at different levels.
  8. Return your phone to your bag, adjust your cleavage and stuff your waterproof camera down it.
  9. Get into the water and try to avoid swearing.
  10. Fish your waterproof camera out, realise you have been filming your stomach entering the water.
  11. Adjust your cold water grimace to something resembling a grin.
  12. Attempt another sunrise selfie whilst trying not to sink.
  13. Sink anyway.
  14. Shove the camera back down your swimsuit and get on with some swimming.
  15. Get out of the water feeling calmer.
  16. Attempt a ‘don’t I look relaxed now’ selfie only to realise that in fact, you just look red from the cold.
  17. Upload a picture of the sunrise looking stunning without you onto Instagram… Once you have adjusted the wonky horizon.

I promise, you’ll be an Insta-celebrity in no time at all…