By: Blonde Two
This story might seem familiar but there are some subtle differences. Location for one… you will need a copy of Ordnance Survey’s OL28 and an understanding of grid references or access to OS online mapping to translate.
Once upon a time there was a girl called Mary. Mary lived on a farm in SX 775 770 and was in love with Joe the carpenter’s son.
One day Mary was settling the SX 694 660 for the night when she heard a strange voice.
“Mary, Mary,” the voice called.
Mary looked around but she couldn’t see anything.
“SX 530 658?” she called
“Yes you Mary,” the voice replied, you have been chosen to give birth to the son of God.
“SX 530 658? Are you sure?” Mary asked.
“Yes of course I’m sure, I’m an angel and angels are always sure!” said the voice, sounding a bit cross. “You’re going to give birth to the son of God in SX 590 734.”
“Oh blimey!” answered Mary and she rushed off to tell Joe.
Joe wasn’t altogether too pleased about this news.
“What the SX 504 677?” he exclaimed, I hate SX 590 734, it always rains there.”
Mary tried to cheer him up, “I know dear, but they do great pies at the SX 59117 73492 and we can have breakfast at SX 59065 73432.”
“S’pose so,” muttered Joe remembering the Jail Ale and that he SX 544 662 Mary. When do we need to go?”
“I’m not really sure how long it takes to grow the Son of God,” answered Mary, “I’ll ask around.”
The next nine months went really quickly and before long Mary and Joe were packing their bags for the journey over Dartmoor to SX 590 734.
“I’ve got a surprise for you Mary,” said Joe, “You’re not going to believe this.”
“Since that Son of God thing I would believe anything,” said Mary.
Joe disappeared round the back of the barn and came back with a donkey.
“What on earth’s that for?” asked Mary.
“Well the car’s broken down and I thought you could ride on it to SX 590 734.”
“What? With my SX 646 617?” exclaimed Mary, “You must be joking. Fetch me a SX 669 613 and you can push me.”
Joe wasn’t too happy about this, Mary had put on a lot of weight since the angel’s visit but he knew better than to argue with her. ‘Thou shalt not argue with thy girlfriend,” was one of the instructions on the SX 733 730.
The journey to SX 590 734 was long and wet, but all journeys to SX 590 734 are long and wet so Mary and Joe weren’t too grumpy. Joe had invited his brothers along so that they could take SX 654 626 and a few little luxuries. On the way Joe tried to use bookmystable.com to book a bed for the night but the broadband was very limited.
By the time they arrived in SX 590 734 Mary was a bit SX 741 742. Joe left her at the Visitor Centre while he went to find a room for the night.
“Just you make sure you check the room out first!” Mary called after him, “I’m not giving birth in any old SX 560 864.”
“Yes dear,” called Joe over his shoulder, looking longingly at the door of the SX 59117 73492. “I’ll be right back.”
In the end Joe couldn’t find a bunkhouse that had any bunks left. The only space was the sofa by the fire at SX 59065 73432.
“I’m sure you’ll be very comfy here,” soothed Joe as Mary bent double in pain, “Are you alright?”
“Alright? Alright? Of course I’m not! Just you try giving birth to the Son of God, it isn’t like passing SX 706 758 you know!”
Joe sat down at a table with his head in his hands. It was going to be a long night and the kitchen was closed, he couldn’t even order some cheesy chips.
After some hours of moaning and groaning on the sofa Mary sat up with a strange look on her face.
“Help me Joe, I think the baby’s coming.”
“All you have to do is hold my hand and SX 603 774,” said Joe, not really knowing what he was talking about. “The baby will be out soon.”
“SX 603 774? You SX 594 796 and see how you like it!” shouted Mary.
Joe surreptitiously looked at his watch; it was past closing time and there was no hope of a pint of Jail. He hoped the baby would be born soon because he was losing the feeling in his fingers.
To be continued…