By: Blonde Two
When it comes to meteorological awards for persistence (surely there are some) the wind surely has to be a winner every time. Whatever the weather, come precipitation, crepusculation (not a word but should be) or electrostatic discharge, there is always wind (Zephyration? Typhoonation? Hurrication? Gustacean?).
Wind is one of the great things about being outdoors, it wakes you up in the morning, lulls you to sleep in your tent at night and makes a complete mockery of anything sensible you have tried to do with your hair.
Which is why we Blondes have developed the Hair Numbering System (I can’t believe we haven’t told you about this before). The Hair Numbering System is a buddy system. It works a bit like the group ‘looking after’ buddy system, which gives each member of a group someone to look out for and check up on and ensures that nobody has a chance to become ill, fail to eat or use a very bad swear word.
In the Hair Numbering System (you will see why I think it deserves capital letters in a moment), people are paired up and take responsibility for the state of each other’s hair. Blonde One and I have been doing this for ages, she can look at me, whisper, ‘Four’ and I will know that, although my hair is not tidy, I do, at least, still look like a human being. Hair states, particularly on Dartmoor, are as numerous as boggy puddles but below is my estimation of what each stage of the hair numbering system looks like (I have only ever achieved a 1 once):
10 – Hair is bouncy, sitting where it was placed first thing and could be termed ‘attractive’.
9 – Hair has been blown around and a few strands are facing the wrong way, could still be termed as ‘attractive’.
8 – Hair has been blown around, drops of rain have been added but frizz has not yet set in.
7 – Hair is starting to misbehave, the parting is no longer organised and frizz is starting to take over.
6 – Hair can no longer be termed ‘attractive’, frizz is almost complete, the parting never existed and strands are across the face.
5 – Hair is losing the will to live, knots are forming, frizz is complete and no hairbrush is up to the job.
4 – Knots are combined with overnight dampness, frizz has settled into a kind of compact fur ball, a hat or hairband are the only options.
3 – Facial plumpness is over-emphasised by rain sculpted hair, which is plastered to the scalp either by rain or grease and looks like it will never dry.
2 – Hair is simultaneously frizzy, wet, knotted and in the face even with a hat on, at no point should hat be removed.
1 – Hair has been replaced with an alien creature from the depths of a Dartmoor bog, the only recourse at this point is to retire, defeated, to your sleeping bag, enter it head first and refuse to come out until dark.
The Hair Numbering System has been scientifically developed over the last 10 years. We recommend that, in case of barnetal emergency, you print a copy of this off and put it in your rucksack.Less a Beaufort Scale and more a Mopfort Scale! You never know when you might need to break the ‘Number 2’ news to a friend!
Electric hair clippers set on No. 2 all over – problem solved. Ok for the blokes but for you, a good game ruined.
Gone are the days when you could brush it into a bird’s nest and stiffen it with a glue-like substance until the wind ruffled it not at all. Thank goodness.