By: Blonde Two
I have had occasion to watch 2 aqua films recently. Both about the sea and both about rather unfriendly sharks who like to lurk and bite people. They were silly films; in the first two pretty, slim girls in skimpy bikinis were trapped in a cage at the bottom of the sea and a shark was trying to eat them. In the second one pretty, slim girl in an attractively unzipped wetsuit was trapped on a rock and a shark was trying to eat her.
I am now considering starring in my own aqua film. I will have to direct, produce and film it myself of course but I think it will be good. Here is a synopsis:
A pretty girl (who was once slim but is now 49) is swimming between a set of steps and a harbour wall. There is absolutely nothing in the water that could do any real damage but there is plenty in her head.
First of all, she becomes entangled with a giant jellyfish (but discovers it is floating sea spaghetti).
Next, she is spiked by a weever fish (but then remembers that she isn’t touching the sand in which weever fish hide).
After that, she drowns after swallowing sea water (but then reminds herself that she can float on her back in the sea for a long time).
As the pretty girl (who is still 49 but, despite this 1K swim, still not slim) approaches the wall it starts to collapse on top of her (despite the fact that it has been there for more years than she has).
Once she reaches the wall the girl is eaten alive by deadly eels that hide in drainage pipes (I have never even seen an eel in the sea).
Thankfully (and after much suspense and scraping music) this 49 year old girl swims in a much calmer manner on her return journey back to the safety of the steps. The sun lights her way and the sand shimmers underneath her. She is safe once more…
Until the sea monster in her peripheral vision strikes again (or is that just a mark on her goggles?)